Are You Stuck in Second Life? Signs and Solutions

A while back, I mused on the cognitive bias known as the Law of the Instrument. Broadly speaking, it deals with the limitations of human perception. We are likely to view the world through familiar lenses which may not be the best fit for the situation. I related this to Second Life in that many people I know seem “stuck” in the same patterns. Attempting to play out the same narrative over and over again despite being doomed to failure. Einstein’s definition of insanity. Stuck in Second Life.

After that post came out, I started hearing from friends of mine. “Do you think I’m stuck?” Hey, if you’re asking that question it kind of suggests you think you might be. So what if you are? How can you tell? And more importantly, how can you get un-stuck?

In a Rut

If you keep doing the same thing because you like it and it’s still fun, you’re not stuck. You’re just doing something you enjoy. That’s what Second Life is all about. Get down with ya bad self. I consider someone stuck in Second Life when they fail to be flexible. This inflexibility leads them to repeat an unsatisfying loop. It goes on over and over again. This happens in real life, I see it even more in Second Life.

I have touched on a lot of these ideas before. But I am constantly fascinated by the ways in which people fail in Second Life. Objectively, there is no goal to achieve. Everyone interacts with the virtual world in whatever way the choose. The only way to fail is to set a goal for yourself that you can’t achieve. For example, if you decide you’re going to open a store. You might set sales goals. If you don’t meet them, will you consider it a failure? Or is the fact that you opened the store enough of a success?

The biggest problem I see is people setting goals that they cannot achieve on their own. If you open a club, you can do your best to fill it. But despite your best efforts, attendance is not something you can directly control. Can you find satisfaction in opening a club? Or does it have to become a hot spot? If it’s the latter, you’re very likely to be frustrated.

There’s more to being stuck in Second Life than falling short of a goal. I’ve known some club owners who get stuck. Constantly opening new venues after the previous one falls short of their expectations. But most of the time when I see people in Second Life getting stuck, it’s in their personal relationships.

For Example

There is one person in particular who comes to mind when I think of people being stuck in Second Life. I will be somewhat vague about the details. This is just in case they may someday read this post. I don’t want them to recognize themselves. I wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings. If you recognize some of these patterns, you might want to mix things up in your own Second Life.

To make things easier, I’m going to call this person Bob. In real life, Bob is quite a bit older than me. Very intelligent. Scholarly. Funny in a dad-joke kind of way. Bob has been in Second Life for a very long time. He’s seen friends come and go. There’s a sadness in Bob. I suspect Bob’s real life isn’t what he wanted it to be and he finds solace in this virtual world.

Over the years, Bob has opened multiple Second Life accounts. The two he uses the most often are his own and an alternate account. The alt has a female avatar. She has no interest in men because Bob is a heterosexual male. She is supposed to be Bob’s wife in real life, but it’s just another avatar for Bob to play with.

Bob’s real life is demanding. He’s reaching the end of his career. Work is draining. Bob is an educator so he is frequently off work. This creates a pattern where Bob can spend a lot of time in Second Life. Then he disappears for a while when work resumes. The Second Life time is split between multiple avatars so it’s really feast or famine.

When he’s on vacation, Bob is a love bomber. By week’s end, he’s likely to be married. This can happen with both avatars. Love blooms. It’s the start of an epic romance that will stand the test of time. Until Bob goes back to work. And then, appearances become less and less frequent. When he is online, he’s juggling conversations. Replies take longer and longer. The object of Bob’s affection is less and less infatuated as time goes on.

Inevitably, things fall apart. Bob’s love interest find someone or something else that better satisfies their needs. Or they leave Second Life entirely because they just can’t find what they are looking for. When Bob’s current loves dry up, he’ll go back and revisit past relationships to see if they can be revitalized. But the pattern will continue. He is stuck in Second Life.

Loving Bob

I have a long history with my Bob. He’s a complicated person. His flaws chase people away. I suspect he’s lonely a lot of the time both in Second Life and the real world. I’m on Bob’s side. But that doesn’t mean I want to replay his loops with him. I’ve done it more than once with both of his main avatars. He may be stuck in Second Life. But that doesn’t mean I want to join him.

I remember the day I realized once and for all that both Bob and his “wife” were the same person. I went out on a date the exactly matched a date I had taken with the other identity. Right down to the same answers to the same questions. It was so obvious to me, I assumed Bob wanted me to figure it out. So I asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about. Strongly implied that I knew his secret. But he didn’t take the bait.

If he had, things would have gone differently. If Bob had shown me that he could break the cycle, I would have stayed with him. Exploring what things could be like outside of his pre-scripted narrative. I thought he might take the chance on something new. But Bob remains stuck in Second Life. He’d rather continue recasting his love interest than go off script.

I find this sad. There are a lot of Bobs out there. I’ve dated more than my share. I hold out hope for them. That they can break the cycle and find happiness somehow. Maybe it is as simple as finding the right girl. One who wants to keep playing out the same scenes with them over and over. If so, I hope all the Bobs find their Belindas (or whatever). But if you think you might be a Bob, my suggestion is to be open to something new.

It’s a virtual world. Take a chance. Try something different. If you’re stuck in Second Life and it’s frustrating you, get unstuck! Then if that doesn’t work. I don’t know. You can always create an alt.