Second Life isn’t real. I know, shocking! Right? It is a virtual world. A simulation made entirely of ones and zeros. Users interact with Second Life in different ways. Generally, it’s a tool for escapism. In my experience, some people struggle to distinguish where fantasy ends, and reality begins. Are you caught between escapism and reality? Would you even know if you were?
Mr. Lonely
Studies tell us that there is a global loneliness epidemic. Technological advancements like social media have reduced the need to in-person interactions. Heck, my generation isn’t having nearly as much sex as our parents or grandparents. Obviously, I do my part. But I’m just one bimbo. I can’t reverse trends all by myself!
Like social media, Second Life offers an alternative to social interaction in the real world. Introverts can present themselves with avatars that reflect who they wish they were in real life. The stakes of rejection are lower. Instead of taking a chance in the real world, the socially awkward can find safety online.
But our internet relationships are not the same. You can have fun with your Second Life friends. You can commiserate. There are often very real bonds between people who meet up in world. But there are some human needs that can’t be met. This is the difference between escapism and reality. Escapism can be helpful in moderation. But you still have to come back to real life.
On some level, everyone knows that. You have to walk away from your keyboard to fix a meal. We take bio breaks. Sometimes everyone goes AFK. Where I think some people get confused is thinking that they can solve loneliness with Second Life. You can’t. Full stop. Your Second Life friends can alleviate the problem. But they can’t fix. Loneliness will follow you. The only real solution is to find companionship in the real wolrd.
In my experience, men struggle with this distinction much more than women. I’m tempted to say it happens with men of a certain age. It might be a bias. Many of my Second Life friends are men roughly the same age as my dad. Younger guys may strugglle with the line between escapism and reality just as much. I don’t see it as much. In my experience, the younger guys are quicker to move on to the next target.
Anecdotally, it feels like a gendered problem. A complicating factor is that you never know the gender of the person behind the avatar. But when I talk to other girls, my sense is they are having similar experiences with men.
The Line Between Escapism and Reality
A common complaint is men pushing for real world information. They ask for pictures. Voice. Video. You name it. And these guys can be relentless. They’ll tell you they just need to verify that you are who you say you are. But that’s nuts. For one thing, what difference does it make? Second Life, say it with me, ISN’T REAL! It’s like going to a Jurassic Park movie expecting to see real dinosaurs. It’s all make-believe!
There is no incentive for me, as a woman, to share my personal information with strangers. It’s dangerous! My account has been hacked in the past. I’ve been stalked. I don’t know what happened with Candy at Bimbology. Trolls chased her out of Second Life and her blog. Maybe she was doxed. These guys were relentless. And so are the guys who keep pressuring you for pictures.
And you never know how much to share. Compromise and the goal posts get moved. No matter what you agree to, it’s never enough. Women quickly learn that any guy who won’t respect their boundaries is potentially dangerous. Some of you guys are probably sweethearts. But we can’t tell. When you push and push for things you think are harmless, you are setting off alarms for us.
“Nice guys” tell me they aren’t given a chance. But what they don’t realize is that they aren’t coming across as nice guys. Desperation is never attractive. Couple that with single-minded persistence and it becomes scary. If a guy won’t accept “no” as an answer for something simple, how can a girl trust him with anything?
Some guys are really stuck on the idea. They think they can meet someone for Second Life. They believe they can carry that relationship over to the real world. It’s possible. It’s also extremely rare. So rare in fact that I wouldn’t recommend having that as a goal. Most users aren’t here for that. Although some people will string you along with that possibility if you let them.
Guys As Victims
The flip side of all this is that there can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. The guys who always see themselves as victims are easier to victimize. Sometimes I think they victimize themselves. Here’s an example.
I’m not out to take advantage of anyone. Once upon a time, I used to refuse to take money or gifts. But I like playing the part of a trophy. And I’ve found a lot of guys like being my daddy. Sometimes that means spoiling me with nice things. Giving me money to go shopping. For an on-going relationship I may even get an allowance. When I accept these things, there’s an understanding that I will reciprocate their affections.
This contract is rarely ever explicit. With someone new, I may negotiate some terms up front. But for me, the role play is more important than the Lindens. I’ll make sure my daddies get what they pay for and then some. However, once that dynamic has been established, you can’t renegotiate the terms. Some guys try to grab a girl’s attention with a flashy gift. And then they grow resentful of the fact that the girl continues draining their wallets.
That’s the game you signed up for, baby. The Sugar Game is the fantasy. Daddy gets to be a high roller with a sexy trophy on his arm. Babygirl gets to be pampered. Once again, escapism and reality. In this case the reality is that the game is going to cost you real money. If you don’t want to play that game, don’t give girls money. Right, wrong or indifferent, they are going to look for more. And if they don’t get it from you, they’ll get it from someone else.
Are these girls grifters? Some of them may be. But in the virtual world of Second Life, I’ll charitably claim that they are playing out their Luxe Life fantasy. When you give them money or gifts, they are assuming you’re in on the game. And if you’re not, well, that’s on you.
Escapism and reality. The reality is when you give these girls money, you have certain expectations. If there was an agreement and the agreement was broken, shame on them. Now you know who they are. But if you didn’t come to an agreement, you gave them a gift. They don’t owe you anything in return.
Finding the Balance
We all blend escapism and reality in Second Life. To some extent, it’s unavoidable. The key is to find the balance that works for you. Communicate your expectations whenever you enter into a new relationship. Especially if monetary transactions are involved. When someone else tells you their boundaries, respect them. Don’t try to negotiate their comfort levels to align with your own. If you can’t accept their terms, move on.
Most importantly, understand the limits of what can be achieved in a virtual world. You can do all kinds of things you can’t do in real life. There’s lots of fun to be had in fantasy. Even some catharsis. But escapism is fleeting. Whatever problems you left behind will be there waiting for you when you return
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